Bad Joke of the Day 15

A pirate went to a dermatologist to look at some suspicious moles on his back. The doctor assured him that they’re benign.

“Arrrrgh,” said the pirate, “check again because when I counted there be ten!”

- PUNS @ThePunnyWorld | 10:38 AM · Jul 28, 2023

It was Victory Day in Moscow - good old Leonid Брежнев was in charge.

There were three VIP guests ... Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar, and Napoleon Bonaparte.

As the parade got in full swing, and the land troops marched in their endless formations, Alexander remarked: “Comrade Brezhnev, with these fine soldiers in my command, I would finish my conquest of Asia!”

Leonid cracked a smile, and made vodka ваше здоровье with Alexander, pleased at the praise.

On it went, and as the proud fighter jet pilots whooshed through the sky above, Julius was watching with hawkish impression, then exclaimed; “Comrade Brezhnev, if I would have your air force, I would conquer the whole world!”

Leonid guffawed loudly, made another vodka ваше здоровье with Julius, visibly glowing.

Then everybody’s eyes went to Napoleon, who had said nothing. He was holding a copy of Pravda, the main newspaper of Soviet Union, and seemed to be inspecting it thoroughly.

Moments passed, until Brezhnev harrumphed extensively to gain Napoleon’s attention.

...for a few seconds longer, Napoleon remained still, then turned to the trio, with his eyes completely wide open as if in disbelief or marvel ... and with the utmost reverence, stated slowly:

“Comrade Brezhnev! If I would have had a newspaper like this in my day, nobody need ever have found out that I lost in Waterloo!”

I was once so broke that I couldn't afford to pay my electric bill.

Those were dark days.

>4 weird_O: cute

>4 weird_O: Groan

>3 foggidawn: Some more in a similar vein...

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage, but I lost the case.

Justice is a dish best served cold, because if it were served warm, it would be just water.

I tried to escape the Apple store, but I couldn't because there were no Windows.

I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something horrible is about to happen... I can feel it.

She was only a whiskey maker, but I loved her still.

The school I went to was sponsored by IKEA. Assembly took ages.

>7 AHS-Wolfy: Great one liners
> She was only a whiskey maker, but I loved her still.

That one really appeals to my palate

I'm appropriating it in a haiku, thank you very much for the idea

I once met a girl,
She could only make whiskey -
But I loved her still

>7 AHS-Wolfy: I laughed out loud (Lol-ed). 😄
Thanks for sharing!

An 8 year old boy told this one:

What do you call a man who refuses to fart in public?

A private tutor.

Most bald people still own a comb.

They just aren't able to part with it.

A group of students were having a loud discussion about their science paper (with an element of showing off I suppose).

A loud drunk, a rather neanderthal looking guy, started jeering them and said: "Ye all think you’re so friggin smart, huh? Well I’ll have you know I’ve got a brother an’ he’s the brains of the science department in Trinity College!"

After a brief silence a voice was heard to say : "Is he in a jar?"

_________________________________________

Background - that joke works best for the Trinity in Ireland of course

Trinity College, Dublin (est. 1592)
Erwin Schrödinger, Oscar Wilde, Jonathan Swift

Trinity College, Cambridge (est. 1546)
Isaac Newton, Charles Darwin, Stephen Hawking.

Trinity College, Oxford (est. 1555)
Edmund Hillary, J.R.R. Tolkien, Stephen Fry.

PS1: I'm lucky to have visited all three.

PS2: All 9 published works, even Edmund who wrote at least 4 between 1955 and 2000.

I saw a TV with a broken volume button for sale for only 5 bucks. How could I turn that down?

>13 Darth-Heather: Many TVs have a brightness control, but it doesn't seem to affect the level of intelligence in the shows.

>14 rgurskey:
I felt very intelligent when I turned it high. Don’t tell me it wasn’t working that way.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeep says, "You're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse replies, "I don't think I am." - and promptly vanishes from existence.
 
 
You see, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think; therefore, I am", but to explain the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Why don’t monsters eat ghosts?

They taste like sheet!

Autocorrect makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.

!!!!!!!! I think you just broke the internet!

Not a joke, but two good for a chuckle comments made regarding the death of Bob Barker. (It helps if you're familiar with "The Price Is Right")

I hope he didn't hear "Bob Barker! Come on down!"

He got as close to 100 as he could without going over.

>12 Nick-Myra:: Trinity College, Oxford (est. 1555) Edmund Hillary, J.R.R. Tolkien, Stephen Fry.

Wot?! Tolkien was at Exeter College, not Trinity; Stephen Fry was at Queens' Cambridge; Edmund Hillary dropped out of college in Auckland, New Zealand.

>21 MyopicBookworm: That's Bard for you, I suppose it's defence is in its disclaimer and claiming that 67% is not bad accuracy.

There is some strong connection between Tolkien and Trinity, Oxford isn't there? (I'm not going to check that suspicion though)

I am so deathly afraid of asking my wife to clean up after breakfast that I have been walking around on eggshells all day.

I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.

LOL!

>24 rgurskey: Best worst joke for a while ...

>24 rgurskey: Having given the cemetery's employees a COL raise this year, methinks I should bring this up at work. Only, my last day was last week. :)

Bilbo Baggins of the shire died in bed last night after an overdose of viagra.

I guess old Hobbits die hard.

Don't be mad at lazy people. They didn't do anything.

I'm reading a book on anti-gravity...cannot put it down.

A photon checks in to a hotel. Receptionist "Any luggage". "No, I'm travelling light.

If 666 is all evil, then 25.806975 is the root of all evil.

>31 ScoLgo: 😂

>31 ScoLgo: reminds me of:

to get a girl, you need time and money.
girls= time x money

time is money
girls = money^2

money is the root of all evil
girls=evil

QED

Someone should think of a version with a less old-fashioned view of girls, though.

Geology rocks! But geography is where it's at.

Imagine if Americans suddenly switched from pounds to kilometers overnight. That would be mass confusion.

I ran into a lamppost yesterday. Luckily, I only sustained light injuries.

If math is mathematical. And a quiz is quizzical. What are tests?

>31 ScoLgo: And this proves that the root of evil is irrational.

Did you know that evil is the sum of roulette ?!

evilsum = \sprintf("%d+",0:36) "00"\; disp(evilsum); eval(evilsum)

0+1+2+3+4+5+6+7+8+9+10+11+12+13+14+15+16+17+18+19+20+21+22+23
+24+25+26+27+28+29+30+31+32+33+34+35+36+00

ans = 666

Seen on Facebook....

Most people have heard of Karl Marx the philosopher but few know of his sister Onya the Olympic runner. Her name is still mentioned at the start of every race.

Q: What kind of doctor was Dr. Pepper anyway?

A: FIZZician.

The urge to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is just a whim away.

Whiskey may not fix everything - but it's worth a shot.

My wife asked for a divorce saying I was too un-American - but I actually saw it coming from a kilometer away.

>22 Nick-Myra:

Christopher Tolkien studied at Trinity, Oxford.

Q: What happens if someone slaps you at high frequency?

A: It hertz.

>39 MyopicBookworm: Thank you - I remembered my association of JRR with Trinity, Oxf - it was that he and CS Lewis used to hangout in a literary society in coffee bars there.

I am now au fait with Christopher, thanks for this lead.

> Christopher Tolkien, J.R.R.'s youngest son, had a close and personal link with his father. He was his father's literary executor, and he worked tirelessly to preserve and publish his father's work. His work has made a significant contribution to our understanding of J.R.R. Tolkien's legendarium.

> In addition to his work as a scholar and editor, He was also a writer. He published several books of his own, including Tree and Leaf and Smith of Wootton Major.

Wonder if the latter has anything to do with little village of Wotton-Under-Edge, a little bit West of Oxford, which I happened to visit through a strange turn of events.

>40 ScoLgo:

> A: It hertz.

:-D ... I really resonate with this one.

>42 Nick-Myra: That joke has cycled through the BJotD thread several times.

>42 Nick-Myra: >43 WholeHouseLibrary: The classic comment of the Neapolitan street-corner yob seems appropriate to this pun: Vecchia, ma ancora bella (old, but still beautiful -- not exactly tactful when applied as normal to a female tourist!).

>44 hfglen: I would take it as a compliment. Reminds me of the LT group I created for talking about our older books - Tattered but still Lovely.

>44 hfglen: The advantage of gossiping about tourists is often the barriera linguistica (looks like those are appropriated words, can't imagine that concept was ever applicable in the forum Romanum).

Saw this on FB.
A woman had a thing for Data and asked if he would go kayaking with her.

Data: Sorry, I'm an android, not a row bot.

>47 MrsLee: Terrible! I'm going to use that one.

Also seen on FB:

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.

They didn't planet that way.

>49 bernsad: Nice anecdote, trying to work in a combination punchline :

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.

They didn't planet that way, but when they heard Earth, Wind and Fire on the jukebox they were attracted closer.

>49 bernsad:

I didn't know of a singer Venus Williams, and google can't find anyone apart from the tennis star.

Interesting that google turned up her WTA tennis page, and there was no mention of singing on that page - standard trick, download the html to see why google indexed this page, and there it is hiding in a widget not visible on the page.

I really didn't know all these facts about Venus ...

Full name is Venus Ebony Starr Williams

Sisters are Serena, Isha (lawyer, singer), Lyndrea (actress, singer, stylist, computer science major) and Yetunde (deceased September 14, 2003); is a Jehovah's Witness, along with sisters and mother

After being diagnosed with Sjögren's Syndrome in 2011, adopted a vegan/raw foods diet to help decrease inflammation in her body and reduce energy-sapping symptoms of the disease (is a self-described "cheagan")

Loves karaoke (favorite songs to sing are 6 Underground by the Sneaker Pimps, Stupid Girl by Garbage, Call Me by Blondie, Gold Dust Woman by Fleetwood Mac, Tom Sawyer by Rush and Barracuda by Heart)

>50 Nick-Myra: Love it!

After spending hours trying to get my on-line bank to transfer $100 to my daughter's account without success, I have developed a sneaking admiration for the skills of fraudsters who manage to get away with $millions.

>50 Nick-Myra: Nice!

If USA is so great, why did they create USB ?

>40 ScoLgo: That sounds painful.

Why can pirates never find the book they want in the library?

Because they come in asking for ARRR but they're always running away going to C!

Told a friend I have a crush on Beyoncé.

"Whatever floats your boat," they replied.

"No," I said, "that's buoyancy."

Ah-hahaha!

>16 ScoLgo: >49 bernsad: >50 Nick-Myra:

A Machine Learning algorithm walks into a bar.

186 times.

But on the 187th attempt it managed to find a path around it.

And on the 188th it became the bartender - and all the other bartenders were fired.

Heee

>61 Nick-Myra: One of my favourite books is ONE (by an author who sounds like a composer), and I have two copies of it - am reading it again, both in parallel at different places, one is in my walking kit, the other on my coffee table (it does not have a 1 on the cover, but an Infinity symbol).

And one of my favourite music tracks is also ONE (by a band that sounds more like an aircraft engineering outfit), I must have many releases and covers of this. Apparently the band only released 2 versions of this, though the digitally remastered version is top quality. (I cannot corroborate Bard's "there are 50 cover versions", I suspect there are 500 covers by home artists on YouTube).

Autumn days come quickly, like the running of a hound on the moor.
– Irish proverb
-------------------------------------
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana. 😃

Cute joke - Esperanto article had the clickbait phrase "unless in a joke", and while Bard cannot translate to or from Esperanto, it still has some-such jokes, and this one is the pick of them (with my keyword translation).

Kial la libro pri matematiko iris al la psikiatro?
Car gi havis problemojn!

Maths book --> psychiatrist?
Had problems!

I used to be a bookworm then I tried audio tapes, now im a tapeworm

>66 cindydavid4: LOL!!

I bet she's at the airport.

>69 rgurskey: Looks more like a subway carriage upholstered seat to me - that blue pattern kind of rings a bell with one of the London Underground lines.

Look at the reflection in the glass behind her, there's a guy on his phone on a seat facing her about 8 feet away - typical of a tube train.

>68 Nick-Myra: It’s an Underground movement.

>71 humouress: lol! 😂

>70 Nick-Myra: It's the Jubilee line. I take it every day.

Can't think of a suitable pub to add, sorry!

>73 Sakerfalcon: Thanks, takes me back a bit. Used to change to it to visit various places between Baker Street and Southwark.

>4 weird_O: narnia portal has been found

>75 Nick-Myra: Cool!

>75 Nick-Myra:
(Mother : Are you going downstairs? Teenager : Narnia business.)

I wish I have this in my house, but unfortunately it is a single storey one.

>77 Yamanekotei:
In the land of Narnia one storey can lead to another story.

>78 pgmcc: Nicely turned! ;)

>78 pgmcc: Nice humour on multiple levels

I thought Google would find an editor I know (of) called Storrie, but this find is even better ...

Paul Storrie wrote a treasure store of stories

Paul Storrie/Writer | Marvel Database | Fandom
https://marvel.fandom.com/wiki/Category:Paul_Storrie/Writer

>80 Nick-Myra: Was he a single storrie?

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood.
The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

https://x.com/ThePunnyWorld/status/1710842463118557359?s=20

>81 pgmcc: She was a she, since google didn't find her I shouldn't identify her - but she is a darn fine editor.

>82 margd: Wondering if this will link back to pic in post in a previous thread

https://www.librarything.com/topic/344424#8183291

>81 pgmcc: >83 Nick-Myra: Sounds like two Storries then.

>84 Nick-Myra: :D
(The rabbit with Type O blood was big hit with Red Cross support group!)

Watching Michael Chiarello cooking with apples, I was pleasantly reminded of a certain elderly lady.

There was an old lady of Ryde
Who ate some green apples and died.
The apples fermented
Inside the lamented
And made cider inside her inside.

>87 hfglen: Oh my. That is dark.

>87 hfglen: One of the classics for sure.

When I read a limerick without double entendre (which is actually noteworthy), I in turn am pleasantly reminded of the one that ends

....
But the trouble I've seen
Is the good ones aren't clean
And the clean ones seldom are comical.

Oh, limericks!

There was a young man from Japan
whose limericks never would scan.
When they all asked him why
he replied with a sigh
it's because I always put as many words into the last line as I possibly can.

There was a young chappie from China
whose poetry all thought much finer.
His limericks tend
to come to an end
suddenly.

And there was an old man from Peru
whose limericks end at line two.

>90 MyopicBookworm: 😂

>90 MyopicBookworm: oh these are fabulous!

>92 Darth-Heather: Although, strictly speaking, they're not limericks ;0)

Made me laugh out loud, though.

Do you know the famous non-rhyming limerick?

There was an old man up a tree
Who was terribly stung by a wasp.
When they asked "does it buzz?",
He replied "No it doesn't;
I'm so glad it wasn't a hornet!"

This one is a proper limerick: it rhymes and scans!

There was a young lady from Spain
who was terribly sick on a train,
and again and again
and again and again
and again and again and again.

(Well, this is the *Bad* Joke thread...)

One hot, dusty afternoon, a dog limped into a saloon in Dodge City. He looked around, proceeded to deliver a ferocious bite to a cowboy at one of the tables, and limped out.

A stranger, having observed the incident, asked the bartender, "What was that all about?"

Solemnly, the bartender replied, "That's the man who shot his paw."

In local news, a man has been arrested for killing another using sandpaper. In his defence the man said he was only trying to rough him up a bit.

>97 AHS-Wolfy:
That will hurt more than just a wooden spoon.🥄

>87 hfglen: "inside her" triggered memory of another limerick ...

One of the few times I've been impressed by Bard :

to bard> please find the limerick where the lady ends up inside a tiger

bard> Here is the limerick where the lady ends up inside a tiger:

There once was a lady of Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They returned from the ride
With the lady inside,
And a smile on the face of the tiger.

Despite its controversial use of language, the limerick about the lady inside the tiger is still a popular and well-known poem. It is a reminder that even the most serious subjects can be treated with humor and creativity.

But it got better, it pointed me to the scanned book it had crawled, and there I find more instructive background behind this limerick

Zoomed to limerick


Full page


Front page

>99 Nick-Myra: Haha, I laughed at the idiom : "As busy as a bee"

And tiger also made an appearance under Similes.

If Metaphors had been considered, we could also have been treated to a tiger-mom .

Have any of you tried blind-folded archery? If not, you don't know what you're missing.

>97 AHS-Wolfy: Too bad they couldn't smooth over their differences. Perhaps discussed what it was about each other that went against the grain.

What do you call a magician who’s lost his magic ?

Ian

I once sent a cheese grater as a Christmas present to a blind friend. Said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

>103 AHS-Wolfy: Oh, I get it now. (I was wondering if the typo was relevant to the answer.)

>105 humouress: Sorry, typo fixed. Missed that.

A classic case of a dad-bad joke ...

What do you call a Frenchman with the world cup in his hands?

An engraver.

>107 Nick-Myra: Ooh, wonder if that could be adapted to tease a favourite hockey fan?

>107 Nick-Myra: South Africans will love it!

A tutor who tooted the flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot
Said the two to the tutor
Is it harder to toot
Or to tutor two tooters to toot?

don't try to say this one too fast....

A Frenchman asked a librarian for a book on warfare.

"You'll only lose it," the librarian replied.

>111 foggidawn: Oooh!

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I would come in 4th so I would not have to walk up to the podium.

>113 rgurskey: Would you try harder if they would come to you with the medal in their hand? :P

What do you call a spider with 10 eyes?

A spiiiiiiiiiider.

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.

A German, Italian, and Czechoslovakian go on a hunting trip together, but end up getting eaten at their campsite by a pair of bears, one female, the other male.

Subsequent autopsies of the bears found that the German and Italian hunters were in the female bear while the Czech was in the male.

groan.......

My neighbour has just told me that every time his doorbell rings, his dog goes and sits in the corner.
It would though...it's a boxer.

>119 AHS-Wolfy: Great punch-line!

You are like a breath of fresh air.

I grilled a chicken for 2 hours last night
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road

LOL!

From sf writer Harry Turtledove on Twitter:

You've heard about the Latvian mafioso, right?
Oh, sure you have! Everybody knows about Riga Tony.

Having been stuck in a rut job wise recently I thought it's time for a change so I've just accepted a new role, heading up the operations of Old Macdonald’s Farm.

I’m the CIEIO.

>124 AHS-Wolfy:
LOL
ROFL

>124 AHS-Wolfy: Literally, LOL 😂

According to my chocolate Advent calendar, tomorrow is Christmas.

>127 rgurskey:
Lol

>127 rgurskey: Big belly laugh!

>127 rgurskey: I texted that to friends and family. My brother immediately texted back a pertinent reminder - “Christmas is for sharing.” 😝

>130 2wonderY: You should get him a copy Sandra Boynton's Chocolate: The Consuming Passion

>131 rgurskey: Yes, with the excellent recipe "Hippo Pot de Mousse". Don't bother googling for this recipe: all the online versions I looked at differ in one crucial respect from Ms Boynton's version.

Don’t throw false teeth at your vehicle — you might denture car.

Why did the chicken go to the seance?

To get to the other side…

>134 AHS-Wolfy: So you finally grilled that chicken enough to get an answer, eh? (>121 AHS-Wolfy: ;)

>135 ScoLgo: :)

How many chickens does it take to change a light bulb?

None.

Chickens don't change light bulbs. They just cross the road to get to the other lamp.

Orion's Belt is a big waist of space.
Terrible joke. Only three stars.

A festive one for the group to "enjoy" today...

King Wenceslas walked in to Pizza Hut and was asked how he would like his pizza. He replied, 'Deep pan, crisp and even.'

>139 AHS-Wolfy: very good!

I've been texting "Grandma's Cheesy Joke-A-Day" to my 10 year old granddaughter. Heres' one from last week:
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

Do you smell carrots?

The earth is 71% non-carbonated water. So you could say that Yes, the earth is flat.

The Christmas alphabet is almost identical to the standard English alphabet…

Except that it has Noel.

I got kicked out of a karaoke bar for singing Danger Zone six times in a row.

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

Q: Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs?
A: Because she mislaid them.

>145 hfglen: Nice :) (I'm so easily amused!)

>146 Alexandra_book_life: Thank you! It's from a recipe leaflet enclosed with a stand we bought yonks ago for supporting a chocken on an open can of beer, thus keeping the bird moist while roasting (guess what's on the menu tonight!). Each page has one of those, so you may be subjected to more.

>147 hfglen: Good! Also, I am hungry now. I don't have anything of the kind on the menu tonight... I do have cheese, though, so I'll be fine.

>146 Alexandra_book_life: me too

Q: If fruit comes from a fruit tree, what kind of tree does chicken come from?
A: A poul-tree.

>145 hfglen: >147 hfglen: >150 hfglen: So we're to be subjected to fowl jokes for a while, then?

>151 humouress: Not for long: the leaflet only has eight pages

>151 humouress: Are you feeling hen-pecked?

Six pages to go. Now is not the time to chicken out.

>153 rgurskey: Somewhat. I'm a bit scared of them *cluck cluck*

What did the scarf say to the hat?

I'll hang around here, you go on ahead.

>156 Darth-Heather: ;D

>156 Darth-Heather: :D Yay!

Ruminations on collective nouns:

Is it only a “murder of crows” if there’s probable caws?

In case anyone is interested, the picture in post #270 on Bad Joke of the Day #14 is actually in the form of (Owners Name) Book Store - the characters for the person's name would be pronounced Wong Fook Hing followed by the characters for book store.

I’ve just bought a Van Gogh coffee table.

I know it’s a genuine Van Gogh, because it’s got a bit of veneer missing.

>161 AHS-Wolfy: That's just terrible! lol

>161 AHS-Wolfy: Amazingly bad! I chuckled with pleasure :)))

>161 AHS-Wolfy: That joke is right at home in this thread!

Peruvian owls hunt in pairs.
They're Inca Hoots.

>165 rgurskey: Good one :)))

>165 rgurskey: Too witty

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

>168 alco261: :)))

When Donald Trump was in court last week, he was directed to choose his personal pronouns.
He answered, "I, and me, me, me."

With a lot of the stores on the high streets closing down, antique shops will soon be a thing of the past.

sadly, that is funny

From the book I’m reading now (Pale Light in the Black):

Why do pirates carry swords?

Because swords can’t walk.

>173 humouress: definitely posted in the right place. ;)

I bought a dog from a blacksmith yesterday. As soon as I let it loose in my house it made a bolt for the door.

:)

>175 Jim53: :D

>175 Jim53: LOL

>175 Jim53: Got a screw loose?

I was robbed by six dwarves today.

Not happy.

>180 rgurskey: Perfect.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
Elephino!

>182 TorMented: Had to read that outloud before it clicked. :)

My girlfriend has a magazine obsession!
Yes, she has lots of issues.

>183 MrsLee: MrsLee: I first heard it on a radio show.

Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

A: Because the 'p' is silent.

Q: What do you call a lazy kangaroo?

A: A pouch potato.

My friend asked me where my sister had gone hunting.

"Alaska," I told him.

"Never mind," he replied, "I'll ask her myself."

Oh, hey. Didn't realised we'd moved. I'm missing my (daily) fix.

i don't get it.