Bad Joke of the Day 14

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.

- Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes

>1 margd: funny

>1 margd:
You will be exploded if you open your electricity bill and your gas bill at the same time.

A few hockey fans got roaring drunk after a recent game and threw up all over the elevator in their motel. It was disgusting on many levels.

I just saw a snake that was 3.14 meters long.

I'm pretty sure it was a πthon.

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.

For my wife's birthday, I decided to get her some beads for her abacus.

It's the little things that count.

Ooooh...

A naked man robbed our local bank
nobody could remember his face

People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad.
But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.

A naked man broke into a church. The police arrived and he led them a merry chase. They finally caught him by the organ.

>10 AHS-Wolfy: I just tried to tell someone your brilliant joke ~ but I made a cock-up of it...

What's an optimistic vampire's favorite drink?

B-Positive

I recently found a round black piece of plastic with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards... I'm sure that must have been a record!

>9 alco261: //As a bookish aside, please see this quote from The Stranger Times//

>14 humouress: Ah me, what can I say, :-)

>14 humouress: I love that book, and I see that volume 3 will soon be available.

>16 MrsLee: Hurrah!

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement

- PUNS @ThePunnyWorld

I arrived home from the third (and successful) attempt for my high school class to celebrate it's 50th anniversary. Had a really good time. As you may (or may not) know, last year, I planned on driving there (from central Texas) because I didn't want to ride in a plane while passengers were being Saran Wrapped to their seats, so I drove there, having made several non-refundable hotel reservations along the route. I called it the BMW Tour, not because I intended to use that kind of vehicle, though. Because of its scope and itinerary, BMW stands for Bodacious Meandering Wanderlust. Drove to northern Maine before arriving in New Jersey. And the class reunion was cancelled (due to the omicron variant) two days prior to me leaving.

So, they rescheduled it for this past weekend, and I made all the reservations back in March -- even applied for TSA Pre-check. My appointment was scheduled for late August. Time passes. I go to my appointment and had everything they asked for. I thought. Turns out, my 70-year-old birth certificate, which, in the past up to two years ago, was sufficient for me to: get my driver's license, the star that is now required to be in my current driver's license, two passports, six background checks for various jobs I've had (one done by the FBI), and other things I don't recall at the moment. The title of it is Birth Registration Certificate. It's no good anymore. Birth certificates are now required to have the names and occupations of one's parents at the time of one's birth. Cost me over $100 and I got it two weeks ago. Didn't make an appointment at the agency that manages the TSA Pre-check screening; just showed up there again. They didn't process it in time. had to go through General TSA check both coming and going.

It also put me on Boarding Group 4 for both (nonstop) flights. Boarding Group 4 always means that you can't actually stow your carry-on bag in the overhead bin. It gets tagged and put in the cargo hold so you have to end up at the one spot you were trying to avoid in the first place -- the luggage carousel. The only upside is that, had I checked it in when I first arrived, I would have had to pay to have it stowed in the cargo hold. It's free.

But, when they go to print the tag, they ask: "Do you have any hazardous materials in your bag? Flammable liquids? Lithium batteries?"
On the flight to New Jersey, I replied, "No."
Coming back to Texas, I replied, "Well, just my dirty underwear and socks..."

A post I made on FB nine years ago...

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'
'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself! this is going to hurt !! !! !
'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

My friend asked me,”Why are you carrying a 9 foot book?”

I said,”It’s a long story.”

From FB:

I was in the supermarket the other day and stopped an employee to ask where the canned tomatoes were located. He responded, “I’ll see,” walked away but never came back.
So, I asked another employee the same question and he answered, “I’ll see,” and he also walked away and never came back.

In the end, I finally gave up and found them myself in Aisle C.

Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.

Why do male elephants paint their nads red?
To hide in cherry trees.

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A giraffe biting into cherries.

>22 rgurskey: Hahahhaha!

From FB:

I accidentally drank holy water with my laxative.
I'm about to have a religious movement.

Never date a tennis player..
Love means nothing to them.

- PUNS @ThePunnyWorld

A CHEESE FACTORY EXPLODED IN FRANCE
DA BRIE IS EVERYWHERE

What works faster than a calculator?
A calcu-sooner!

- PUNS @ThePunnyWorld in sadly imploding Twitter...

How do you have a party in space?

You planet.

- Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.

- PUNS @ThePunnyWorld

{synonym roll--now there's a tongue twister!}

Never date a tennis player… Love means nothing to them.

My friend called me for help, claiming he had turned into a harp.
I raced over there only to find he was a lyre.

- Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes

What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.

- PUNS @ThePunnyWorld

>35 margd: so bad

My son asked me this. It’s actually a good one but it should be shared.

Which is the smartest continent?

Antarctica; because they're all research scientists

Why don't dinosaurs make good pets?

Because they're dead.

!!!!

We have had good rains in the last few days. The potholes in our roads are 80% full.

(message Better Half received this afternoon)

>41 humouress: **giggle, snort**

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house.

The difference is staggering.

Q: What kind of cheese (after all, this is the Green Dragon!) is made backwards?
A: Edam

>43 ScoLgo: Also known as a ‘pub crawl’?

My Gawd, this one is ba-ad:

What do you call a man with no shins?
Tony.

- PUNS @ThePunnyWorld

I was hospitalised following a hide and seek accident - they put me in the ICU…

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."

>48 Jim53: Ew......

>50 hfglen:
Too true!

There is a self depreciation course starting at my local college next term. I've already put myself down.

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

Two guys were robbing a liquor store. One held up a bottle and asked the other, "Is this whiskey?" His partner replied, "Yes, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank."

There was a dreadful accident in the strawberry patch. They had to call a jambulance!

A $1 bill ran into a $100 bill and asked, "Hey, where you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The $100 bill said," I've been hanging around casinos. Went on several ship's cruises, spent some time in Hawaii, Alaska, came back to the U.S., went to a number of ball games, visited a number of upscale department stores... that kind of stuff. What about you?"

The $1 bill said," You know, same old stuff....church, church, church."

What weighs less than blue?

Light blue.

The fact that some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology bugs me in ways I can't put into words.

>59 Jasper: :D

       

>62 kaida46: help me out here (while the Element song is playing in my head)

>63 kaida46: Hahahaha!

>62 kaida46: and no doubt it sped up as it went along, right? Happy new year!

A little late for your holiday gifting, but...

What's the best gift you can give?
A broken drum.
Nobody can beat that.

Two cats are having a swimming race. One is called “One two three”, the other “Un deux trois”.
Which cat won?
“One two three” because “Un deux trois cat sank”.

(But a neuf of these franglais puns.)

Q: why was the turkey asked to join the band?
A: because she had the drumsticks.

Do you want to hear a paper joke?

Sorry, it’s tearable.

>70 2wonderY:
If you have charged us for it, it’s a rip-off.

Sylvester Stallone says he wants to make a movie about classical music.

He says, “I will be Beethoven.”

Jean Claude Van Damme says, “I’ll be Mozart.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger said, “C’mon guys, don’t make me…”

>70 2wonderY: We don't give a sheet of it's good or bad.

>72 rgurskey: Hahaha!

I ordered a book called How to Scam People. It's been 4 months and it still hasn't arrived...

A T-Rex and Velociraptor are sitting in a bar. The Velociraptor points to a Triceratops in the corner and says “Why is he first to get served ?” The T-Rex says “Because he was herbivorous”

What’s red and smells like blue paint?
.
.
.
.
.
Red paint.

>76 pgmcc: That is a very dumb joke.

And by that I mean you should be very proud.

I love it.

My grandma hates her new stair lift.

She says it drives her up the wall.

My uncle Al was being harassed by a young man who wanted to save his soul. "I'll have you know, you little pipsqueak, that every week, when I get paid, I give 30 per cent of my pay to Charity!" He thundered. The youngster looked impressed. "Of course," my uncle went on, "If she's not working I give it to Destiny."

A king may look at a cat, but a cat won't look at a king unless it's suppertime.

I was in a public toilet and had just sat down, when I heard a voice from the next cubicle, he said "Hil, how are you?"

Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine".

The voice said "So what are you up to?".

I said, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here!".

He said, "Can I come over?".

Annoyed, I said, "rather busy right now".

The voice said, "Listen, I will have to call you back, there's an idiot next door answering
all my questions."

>80 hfglen: Sorry, Hugh, disqualified. That isn’t a joke, it’s a statement of fact.

What do you call a fish with no eye?

A FSH

Just found out that my dad used to be a mime artist…

He kept that quiet!

The big tombola was spectacular. They even hired Santa to deliver whatever you won, riding the sleigh, through the chimney, and all.

Then, the reindeer wanted to be paid, too.

Prices went through the roof.

I've been stuck in Rome for the past three weeks.

All their roads have this weird design flaw.

heh hat took me a minute....good one

I suffer from tinnitus and it got so bad recently I thought I'd try the helpline.

No good though, it just kept ringing.

>88 AHS-Wolfy: Aww. Sorry to hear that.

I’m having a RL similar issue; my trackpad stopped clicking. Turns out that to solve it I need to click on stuff on the screen. First World problems.

Why can’t the bicycle move?
.
.
.
.
Because it’s too tired.

>90 2wonderY: too-tired...aargh!

I'm not procrastinating right now. I'll do it later.

Definition of a will

A dead giveaway.

Like my father told me: Where there's a will, there's relatives.

Walking down the street today I saw a man holding what I thought was a pork chop to his ear.

It turned out to be a ham radio.

Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.

This actually happened today. we had a VIP tour of our museums new exhibit and I was placed at the information table. So I was introducing myself as Miss Information. then I stopped and realized the pun and cracked up

I heard this on CBC this morning, as part of a word discussion:

Can you call a white board amazing? No, but it is remarkable.

(disclaimer - I may not have got it exactly as given, but close)

I named my toilet Jim instead of John.
.
.
.
.
Everyone is so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim every morning.

>99 2wonderY: *snort*

My school was so posh we didn’t have a gym. We had a James.

Went to a kleptomania meeting tonight, wish I hadn't, all the seats were taken.

I had a hen that could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.

>99 2wonderY: LOL!

oh these last ones are just gems! thanks for the morning laugh

Following on from >103 margd:. DD points out that all birds need some math. The form they need to build their nests is, of course, twigonometry.

>106 hfglen: I suppose you mean twigonometwy?

>107 wester: You are of course quoting Tweety Bird.

>106 hfglen: Except woodpeckers, which drill down to the answer.

Nvm

Two statues face each other in the park, a naked man and a naked woman.
Along comes a good fairy and says, "I'm sorry you two have to look at each other for so many years without getting close. I'll make you come alive for fifteen minutes."
They both get down from their pedestal and disappear into the bushes. The fairy hears them giggling, after a few minutes they come out visibly satisfied.
The fairy asks:" You still have a few minutes. Do you want to go again?"
Says the woman:" Oh yes. But this time you hold the dove and I'll poop on her head."

My friend and his wife were walking around downtown the other day when they went past a swanky new restaurant.

"Did you smell that?" she asked. "It smells absolutely incredible!"

Being a kind-hearted husband, my friend said to himself, "Aw, why not... I'll treat her!"

So, they walked past it again.

>112 ScoLgo:
That joke should not be on this thread. It does not qualify as a bad joke. My whole family is laughing at it, even my wife.

>111 hnau: ok, that took me a few minutes, very funny!

My wife has been complaining about being cold. So I told her to go stand in the corner.

Huh?

Yeah. It’s 90 degrees there.

Never ever challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you're ready to deal with the Reaper cushions.

>116 AHS-Wolfy: Now I want that on my headstone.

It is reported that someone saw a headstone in the lost property office at Dublin airport. The inscription was "You will never be forgotten".

>118 hfglen:
I think that belonged to yer man, you know his name, whatdomacallhim. Thingamajig.

>118 hfglen: LOL, will have to share that with my coworkers on Monday.

Two men were robbing a liquor store. One looked at a bottle on the counter and said, "Is this whiskey?" His partner replied. "Yes, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank."

>121 Jim53: One was Irish and the other was Scottish?

I heard that Quasimodo finally got made redundant. Probably got a nice lump sum as a pay-off.

The food critic's parrot once told a rude joke about his dish being bland. It was tasteless.

My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl.
I said I didn't realize he could.

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can't read it at all.

>125 Jim53: But did it taste better?

>126 rgurskey: A little, but the texture was a bit odd.

Well Jim, the word on the street is that you needed more fiber in your diet anyway.

I bought my mate an elephant for his room.

He said .."thank you "

I said .."don't mention it "

“Trails often look flatter on the map.”

Real wisdom from the National Park Service

>130 2wonderY: lol! So true.

>130 2wonderY: That quote does provide a smile but sad truth is there are a lot of people who don't know the meaning of the lines on a contour map. As a result you will hear people complaining that the map didn't warn them about the need for climbing and descending. The reason I know this is because I've been out hiking on park trails and heard this exact complaint.

>130 2wonderY: Ha! really, guess they dont know about topographical maps!

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

seen on a t shirt "at my funeral take the flowers off my coffin and toss into the crowd to see who is next" (let me know if this is too dark, I can remove it)

>135 cindydavid4: At funeral for last of my parents' generation, we cousins looked at one another and gulped, hoping the next get-together to be a wedding, reunion--anything but a funeral! We would have jammed the door trying to escape if anyone had tossed a bouquet!

>136 margd: I have five brothers. At the funeral of the third one, I discovered the remaining two in a corner exchanging this: “You’re next” “No, you’re next!”

oh ok, we're good then :)

>134 rgurskey: Now it all makes sense.

My wife and I were invited to a fancy dress party. I spent ages making my own wedding cake costume, when we were about to leave my wife refused to take me - I was left at home in tiers!

Please note: the Post-apocalyptical fiction section has been moved to Current Affairs.

>141 rgurskey: That’s almost too close to the truth. I’m cringing.

TheOnion and Andy Borowitz have given up their satire. How can they compete with the reality now

A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Daddy, how was I born?”
The father answers,
“Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'You've got male!'”

>144 rgurskey: Try telling that to the judge ...

CO₂: All right, pal? How you keeping?

N: Yeah, mustn't grumble. Oh, here we go...

CO₂: Wait. What is it?

NH₃: F*ck me, the weather! And I got stuck in traffic on the bypass. And my knee! The gyp it's giving me.

CO₂: Who's this?

N: Don't mind him. He's just a moanier gas.

- Alistair King

I came up with a Dad joke the other day (well, it made the kids groan).

Q: How many hands does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Many.

(Many hands make light work.)

I'm groaning, but had to share.

According to Greek mythology, Chiron was half horse, half human doctor.
That made him the centaur for disease control.

ah-hahahaha!

Ohh--took me a while!

>148 2wonderY: *snort* love it.

People who confuse the words burro and burrow don’t know their ass from a hole in the ground.

I had a medical procedure yesterday. Unfortunately the anesthetist call in sick, and the doctor told me we would have to reschedule. I begged her to reconsider, since I desperately wanted to get the procedure done, and I told her that in the war I had served as a medical assistant. I can find a vein, I insisted; isn't that all that's needed? She stared at me for a minute, obviously considering how badly things could go, then just shrugged and said, all right; knock yourself out.

>148 2wonderY: Niiiice!

>153 Jim53: I forgot which thread I was reading and literally gaped at your story! Well done!

>155 Sakerfalcon: I follow a FB page on old dogs as well as one on babies w congenital heart disease. Scrolling one day, not paying enough attention to where I was, I came upon a post advising how to cut a hole in diaper for tail. Sure woke me up!

>156 margd: Ha!

My fiancee and I broke up right before Christmas. She went ahead and gave me the gift she had picked out, a copy of the Kama Sutra. It put me in an awkward position.

A man walks into a bar and orders four pints of Guinness and three whiskey chasers. While consuming the drinks he he strikes up a conversation with the barman. As he approaches the last of the drinks he confides, “You know, I shouldn’t really be drinking with what I have.”

In a concerned voice the barman asks, “Oh dear, what do you have?”

The man replies, “Fifteen cents.”

Young Luke was eating in a Chinese restaurant for the first time. He was having a good bit of difficulty manipulating his chopsticks. Finally a voice called out to him: "Use the fork, Luke."