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The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You…
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The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be… (2010)

de Brene Brown

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In The Gifts of Imperfection, Bren Brown, a leading expert on shame, authenticity, and belonging, shares ten guideposts on the power of Wholehearted living--a way of engaging with the world from a place of worthiness.
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Título:The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are
Autores:Brene Brown
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The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are de Brené Brown (2010)

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Some really great points and content if you are open to it ( )
  MorbidLibrarian | Sep 18, 2021 |
I can't quite put my finger on why this isn't my thing. I like her as a person, my girl's wicked smaat, I think her research is great, there are loads and loads of useful and practical things in the book, but it's not my thing. Could you happily watch a 6 hour Oprah marathon? Does the advice "Stand on your sacred ground" resonate? If so, this is totally your thing. So sweet, so inspirational.

Even before I got into the book, when I was still grinding my teeth, I was underlining like mad. I think I love the information and not the style, is that what is going on? Here are the things I underlined (because I am a counselling student so this will be useful to come back to someday maybe?)

Note: Wholehearted is the book's buzzword, it means something like "nice"

[research findings]
Do: worthiness, rest, play, trust, faith, intuition, hope, authenticity, love, belonging, joy, gratitude, creativity
Don't: perfection, numbing, certainty, exhaustion, self-sufficiency, being cool, fitting in, judgment, scarcity


How much we know and understand ourselves is critically important, but there is something that is even more essential to living a Wholehearted life: loving ourselves.

I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued, when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.

[...] now I understand how I derived self-worth from never needing help and always offering it.

One of the biggest surprises in this research was learning that fitting in and belonging are not the same thing, and, in fact, fitting in gets in the way of belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you eed to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn't require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.

On the pairing of certain terms in the research: When emotions or experiences are so tightly woven together in people's stories that they don't speak of one without the other, it's not an accidental entanglement; it's an intentional knot. Love belongs with belonging.

[...] our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.

[Shame is a swamp, don't stand on one side looking at the other, don't set up camp in the swamp, wade through it]
Shame is basically the fear of being unlovable.
[...]we're also afraid that if we tell our stories, the weight of a single experience will collapse upon us. There is a real fear that we can be buried or defined by an experience that, in reality, is only a sliver of who we are.

[People with shame resilience]:
1. Understand shame and recogize what messages and expectations trigger shame for them.
2. Practice critical awareness by reality checking the messages and expectations that tell us that being imperfect means being inadequate.
3. Reach out and share their stories with people they trust.
4. Speak shame - they use the word shame, they talk about who they are feeling ,and they ask for what they need.

Guilt = I did something bad
Shame = I am bad

[after she told a personal story of posting a photograph online and then being criticized for taking a bad picture and feeling anger and shame, someone asked:]
I hear you saying that it was about feeling criticized about your photography, but was that really the vulnerability? Did the shame come from feeling like you were being criticized for a bad picture, or were you ashamed because you're allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open rather than closed and protected, and someone hurt you? Was it really about letting yourself be pen to connection and getting hurt?

[..] the struggle to be authentic:

- Don't make people feel uncomfortable but be honest.
- Don't upset anyone or hurt anyone's feelings but say what's on your mind.
- Sound informed and educated but not like a know-it-all
- Don't say anything unpopular or controversial but have the courage to disagree with the crowd.

Sometimes choosing being real over being liked is all about playing it unsafe.

If you’re like me, practicing authenticity can feel like a daunting choice – there’s risk involved in putting your true self out in the world. But I believe there’s even more risk in hiding yourself and your gifts from the world. Our unexpressed ideas, opinions, and contributions don’t just go away. They are likely to fester and eat away at our worthiness. I think we should be born with a warning label similar to the ones that come on cigarette packages: Caution: If you trade in your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief.

Sacrificing who we are for the sake of what other people think just isn’t worth it. Yes, there can be authenticity growing pains for the people around us, but in the end, being true to ourselves is the best gift we can give the people we love. When I let go of trying to be everything to everyone, I had much more time, attention, love, and connection for the important people in my life. My authenticity practice can be hard on [the people around me, but they] are engaged in the same struggle. We all are.

It's terrifying to risk when you're a perfectionist; your self worth is on the line.

We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion at the same time.

Resilient people:
1. Are resourceful and have good problem-solving skills.
2. Are more likely to seek help.
3. Hold the belief that they can do something that will help them to manage their feelings and to cope.
4. Have social support available to them
5. Are connected with others, such as family or friends.

Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion. Practicing spirituality brings a sense of perspective, meaning, and purpose to our lives. [This is highlighted because everywhere you turn in counselling people shit on atheists and tell you you can't be a counsellor if you aren't spiritual.. and I'm an atheist. They say it's ok to be an atheist "So long as you are..." and then they give you a definition of a spiritual person who is in no way atheist.]

Hope happens when:
- We have the ability to set realistic goals (I know where I want to go)
- Weare able to figure out how to achieve those goals, including the ability to stay flexible and develop alternative routs (I know how to get tehre, I'm persistent, and I can tolerate disappointment and try again).
- We believe in ourselves (I can do this!)

Addiction:
1. MOst of us engage in behaviors (consciously or not) that help us to numb and take the edge off vulnerability, pain, and discomfort.
2. Addiction can be described as chronically and compulsively numbing and taking the edge off of feelings.
3. We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.

In fact, addiction research shows us that an intensely positive experience is as likely to cause relapse as an intensely painful experience.


AEIOUY
A = Have I been Abstinent today?
E = Have I Exercised today?
I = What have I done for myself today?
O = What have I done for others today?
U = Am I holding on to unexpressed emotions today?
Y = Yeah! What's something good that happened today?


We think to ourselves:
- I'm not going to allow myself to feel this joy because I know it won't last
-Acknowledging how grateful i am is an invitation for disaster
- I'd rather not be joyful than have to wait for the other shoe to drop

When we don't use our talents to cultivate meaningful work, we struggle.

[M]y answer to "What do you do?" is "How much time do you have?"

The risk of losing myself felt far more dangerous than the risk of letting people see the real me.

Quotes from others in this book:

Terri St. Cloud: She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful.

Leonard Cohen: There's a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in.

Justin Valentin: Perhaps our issues are like secondhand smoke. At first, it was thought to be not so dangerous and by smoking we were only hurting ourselves. Yet [we have] come to find out, years later, second hand smoke can be really deadly.

Bell Hooks: To begin by always thinking of love as an action rather than a feeling is one way in which anyone using the word in this manner automatically assumes accountability and responsibility.

Pema Chodron: "Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity."

Mary Jo Putney: "What one loves in childhood stays in the heart forever"

Lynne Twist:

"For me, and for many of us, our first waking thought of the day is "I didn't get enough sleep." The next one is "I don't have enough time." Whether true or not, that thought of not enough occurs to us automatically before we even think to question or examine it. WE spend most of the hours and the days of our lives hearing, explaining, complaining, or worrying about what we don't have enough of... We don't have enough exercise. We don't have enough work. We don't have enough profits. We don't have enough power. We don't have enough wilderness. We don't have enough weekends. Of course, we don't have enough money - ever.⠀
We're not thin enough, we're not smart enough, we're not pretty enough or fit enough or educated or successful enough, or rich enough - ever. Before we even sit up in bed, before our feet touch the floor, we're already inadequate, already behind, already losing, already lacking something. And by the time we go to bed at night, our minds race with a litany of what we didn't get, or didn't get done, that day. We go to sleep burdened by those thoughts and wake up to the reverie of lack... What begins as a simple expressions of the hurried life, or even the challenged life, grows into the great justification for an unfulfilled life."

Dr. Stuart Brown: "The opposite of play is not work -- the opposite of play is depression."
  RebeccaBooks | Sep 16, 2021 |
The point I’d like to select as being very good, (as there’s little point in trying to summarize the whole text), is the definition she gives of intuition. (“Intuition is not a single way of knowing—it’s our ability to hold space for uncertainty and our willingness to trust the many ways we’ve developed knowledge and insight, including instinct, experience, faith, and reason.”) Ms. Brown creates definitions for psychologically important words based on interviews she has given with her subjects. The assumption of the rather Victorian definition (“Intuition is direct perception of truth or fact, independent of any reasoning process”), you might find in a dictionary is that intuition is the Opposite of ‘normal’ reason, (as women are the opposite of men, the worst is the opposite of the best, and popular is the opposite of expert). (For the record, definitions of words do evolve, as the foreword of a decent dictionary is obliged to say. I do think that the recent past’s definition of intuition is defective, they always seem close to saying that it’s that easy thing that women do that doesn’t work, whereas I know that it can work but I agree that it is multifaceted and that actually explains a lot, as it’s possible to be better at one aspect than another.) Ms. Brown says that intuition is different from but also similar to reason, and her definition of them does not alienate them from each other.

And the other chapters are good too.
  goosecap | Sep 15, 2021 |
Brene Brown was a new discovery. While I was reading The Gifts of Imperfection, I also listened to an episode of her podcast with Tim Ferriss and Dax Shepard. Her energy is amazing, and her message is personal but rooted in research. Let go of all the baggage, the priorities given to you by others, the expectations inherited from culture. She is a gifted storyteller with a strong, certain voice. She describes her own journey but also provides tools for strengthening your own sense of self. She is self-deprecating but not in the "humble brag" kind of way.
  witchyrichy | Apr 13, 2021 |
It was wordy, but spoke openly about things I had felt but didn't realize were common. I learned a few things, but now I need to figure out how to do it. Get enough sleep, meditation, and play is crucial to my health and happiness. So hard to not see this as "another thing to do", which I think would make the author nod in a knowing way. ( )
  pmichaud | Dec 21, 2020 |
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In The Gifts of Imperfection, Bren Brown, a leading expert on shame, authenticity, and belonging, shares ten guideposts on the power of Wholehearted living--a way of engaging with the world from a place of worthiness.

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