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Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder

de Gina Pera

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The science has been clear since 1994, when Adult ADHD was declared a medical diagnosis. Still, the public harbors misconceptions, and that means millions suffer needlessly. And that includes millions of couples who can't understand why their lives together are so hard-sometimes despite many attempts at couples therapy. Everyone knows someone with adult ADHD. Yet we misattribute the symptoms to anxiety, depression, or even laziness, selfishness, or moodiness. Moreover, we assume ADHD means "little boys with ants in their pants." In fact, childhood hyperactivity goes "underground" as the person matures, resulting in a mentally restless state. Meticulously researched by award-winning journalist Gina Pera, Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? is a comprehensive guide to recognizing the behaviors where you least expect them (on the road and in the bedroom, for example) and developing compassion for couples wrestling with unrecognized ADHD symptoms. It also offers the latest information from top experts, plenty of real-life details, and easy-to-understand guidelines for finding the best treatment options and practical solutions. The revolutionary message is one of hope for millions of people-and a joyous opportunity for a better life.… (mais)
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Review originally posted at my blog www.gimmethatbook.com.

After I read The ADHD Effect on Marriage, I searched for similar books. This one kept popping up and seemed to be highly regarded, so I gave it the highest compliment I could: I purchased a copy.

This book is put together very well, and operates under the premise that ADD is not “so much of a disorder of attention as it is a disorder of self-regulation”, according to psychologist Russell Barkley, who wrote the foreword. The theme of the book is the ‘roller coaster’ that both ADD’ers and non experience on a daily basis, and so the chapter headings are related to our favorite amusement park rides. There are three parts; first, what is ADHD and how it affects you/your partner, second, what happens when you hit rock bottom and either decide to get treatment (or not), and three, how to succeed in building your relationship back with different strategies.

As you read, you get the sense that you are part of a support group, as you read other’s stories and get to know what lessons they have learned along the way. The difference between this book and the one I mentioned above, is that this goes into much more detail, with explanations as to WHY these things happen, and HOW to fix them. I found myself highlighting sections, seeing how there are common threads among ADD’ers and their significant others, and even learning more about brain function. Each chapter contains a few ADHD Partner Snapshot graphs, which show the results of surveys taken from 162 responders.

There are chapters devoted to denial, medications, finances, therapy, co-existing disorders, sex, coping skills, and more. Understanding the spectrum of ADHD takes patience, time, and teamwork, and that is the author’s intent. Where The ADD Effect On Marriage told me about the emotions that ADD’ers experience, this book goes deeper. I learned in real people’s words how they dealt with frustration and despair, and how most (but not all) took steps to regain the love and trust they once felt.

I highly recommend this book, as it gives you strategies and sources for help, without being preachy or too glib. The book concentrates on getting help for both the ADD and non ADD partner, without being too touchy feely. Solutions for issues are discussed from all sides, and are eminently able to accomplish.

Interested? You can pick up a copy here. ( )
  kwskultety | Jul 4, 2023 |
Though it reads like a textbook at times, this book is invaluable for partners of those who have ADHD. I would give it six stars if I could, based on how helpful it has been in shedding light on how ADHD works, affects on relationships, medication/therapy and other ways to manage together. ( )
  alyssajp | Jul 29, 2019 |
As an adult with ADD, I found this book extremely negative and hurtful. The attitude was "Oh you poor person married to a person with ADD -- you made an unfortunate choice, and they suck, and that is that." News flash: this is NOT helpful. Instead, try ADD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life, and maybe some therapy. And chocolate and caffeine. ( )
  juliavz | Apr 19, 2014 |
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The science has been clear since 1994, when Adult ADHD was declared a medical diagnosis. Still, the public harbors misconceptions, and that means millions suffer needlessly. And that includes millions of couples who can't understand why their lives together are so hard-sometimes despite many attempts at couples therapy. Everyone knows someone with adult ADHD. Yet we misattribute the symptoms to anxiety, depression, or even laziness, selfishness, or moodiness. Moreover, we assume ADHD means "little boys with ants in their pants." In fact, childhood hyperactivity goes "underground" as the person matures, resulting in a mentally restless state. Meticulously researched by award-winning journalist Gina Pera, Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? is a comprehensive guide to recognizing the behaviors where you least expect them (on the road and in the bedroom, for example) and developing compassion for couples wrestling with unrecognized ADHD symptoms. It also offers the latest information from top experts, plenty of real-life details, and easy-to-understand guidelines for finding the best treatment options and practical solutions. The revolutionary message is one of hope for millions of people-and a joyous opportunity for a better life.

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