This is a contemporary retelling of Lolita, from the pov of the schoolgirl. Told in the first person, Vanessa tries to come to terms with the ongoing relationship that she had with her literature teacher, which started when she was 15 years old, and he was 42. Although Vanessa refuses to see herself as a victim, Jacob Strane was clearly a predator. From the moment she introduces herself as "Vanessa from nowhere", he knows she is the one..and outsider... and grooms her relentlessly. He convinces her, using literature and emotional manipulation, that their tragic romance was predestined and inevitable. He tells her he is special, so willing, not like any other woman he's ever known. Years later, as an adult, she laments "it's strange to know that whenever I remember myself at fifteen I'll think of this". She struggles to "see more of the world without him behind my eyes" and asks herself "who is to blame?"
It is a difficult read, but a brilliant look into the mind of a person truly brainwashed into believing that the blame for the transgression of ephebophilia was the fault of an alluring teen, just trying to go to school, not understanding that his experience allowed him to use his words and her emotions to get her permission to abuse her. I had to put it down and ruminate on the disturbing realization that this does happen all to often. ( )

A heart-breaking, haunting, exceptional novel. As one of the most poignant and memorable books of the 21st century, this gnawing response to Nabokov's Lolita gives readers another perspective of the ugly reality of child sexual abuse. Vanessa does not believer herself to be a victim, a survivor, or a hero. She can only cling to what her life is as defined by her high school English teacher. This book is hard to read. It's hard, it's sad, it's revolting at times. But it is real. The un-reality that Vanessa is so desperate to keep is our reality, it is, no matter how badly you want her to understand, her reality.
To say that her epiphany at the end of the book feels like taking a hit straight to the heart is an understatement. The work that Russell has put in to get us to this ultimate moment of catharsis is indescribably overwhelming.


Do NOT read this book if you will be triggered by the subject matter. It is explicit and painful, and it is never-ending. It is unrelenting, and if you think you will be triggered by this book then do not read it. If you think this will help you in any way, and I am sympathetic to the belief that this content is helpful for people with trauma, I urge you to be fully aware of your body and mind, ask yourself if you feel ready, and put the book down if you do not wish to continue. To anyone reading this, I wish you well post-reading, or pre-reading if you're reading through reviews to decide if this is for you. ( )

[Trigger warning]
With more and more survivors coming forward with experiences like Vanessa's, this story is an unsettling but important read for those who can stomach the subject matter. The author's unveiled a layer of complexity that allowed this story to make a long lasting impact on the way I think about abusive relationships, sexual consent and protecting children and/or survivors.

What was good:
- The slow and steady progression of Vanessa's relationship with her abuser, Strane, communicated how insidious his grooming efforts were. This man was nothing if not patient. His character struck a perfect balance of condescending (without being blatantly cruel) but affectionate and validating enough to keep kid Vanessa (who is friendless, what a coincidence) coming back for more. This was so profound that adult Vanessa's self-image continues to revolve around how this man saw her at 15. The way these exchanges were portrayed showed how easy it is for anyone, teenage or otherwise, to fall into the clutches of one of these people.
- Stane's impact on adult Vanessa's psyche and behaviour. Throughout the story, she excuses his actions by reassuring herself (and others) that what had happened was not was as it seemed and that she had been a willing party. And that she was just one of those teenagers just matured faster. Or that he was the only person to see how extraordinary she was. As nauseating as these thoughts were to read, it made it so much clearer how ruinous and significant Strane's abuse continues to have on adult Vanessa. She would rather sooner continue a lifelong devotion to the man who ruined her life and romanticize their relationship because she couldn't bear to come to terms with the effect he had had on her entire life. When that rationalization became clear, I was devastated. Because of course - accepting a less excruciating truth may be something everyone does to one degree or another. ( )

I feel so relieved to be done with this book. To be honest, I had little expectation when I started listening to the audiobook. If it was a kindle or paperback, there's a big chance I would have dropped reading this book out of anger. Even if I liked the writing, the story made me depressed and frustrated. Not because it involves teacher and student or the big age gap or any other moralistic views. In fact, I read this because of everything I mentioned.

The thing that made me angry about the book is one, Stain, S-T-A-I-N, yes, I'm writing his name as a stain. I wonder if the author chose his surname for this reason. At first, I was neutral and felt giddy about their forbidden relationship like Vanessa was, but the moment it becomes clear that he was nothing but a manipulative coward, I wanted to claw his face. He used Vanessa and tossed her aside when his position and honor were at stake when he's the one who seduced her first.

The second character I hate is Vanessa. Yeah, I'm not on her side either. Although I hate stain more, she doesn't make it easy to like her either, scratch that, every character annoys me, especially the stupid journalist.

Vanessa was fifteen, yes, but FIFTEEN YEARS OLD have minds of their own! They may lack experience, but they are not mentally undeveloped. They're not stupid.

She let stain used her, then later made stories about herself instead of outright saying she was manipulated. I get it, I feel to murder stain too, but Vanessa disguised her disgust for him as "love." It got under my skin how she keeps describing everyone's aging body. What's wrong with aging? The problem with these men isn't their age. What makes them ugly is the way they behaved. PTSD? Please, I suffered PTSD which took more than 15 years to get better, and what I "see" while listening is a whiny woman who never matured from her fifteen years old self. Sometimes she even gives off victim playing vibe.

To end this "review" I'd say that what I like the most in the book is the part where she didn't let that journalist use her too.

Would I recommend the book? Ah, it's complicated. I didn't hate the book; I like it even? I think. But it annoyed and depressed me. It's dark and... it's complicated. So I'd say, if you're curious, try it reading it. ( )

Blood brilliant! I was engrossed in this tale of abuse and the inner world of the protagonist. Devastatingly honest with a beautiful twist re: the "victim" of the story and the relationship between both parties. Russell's balancing of the subject matter was psychologically masterful; she gets right into the mind of those involved and pulls us in so many directions we are left reeling. Ideally be an adult if you are reading this - and I don't just mean chronological age. If you can't handle such a deep, often disturbing, topic I'd say steer clear. This isn't for those that simply can't separate their own beliefs about a situation with the artistic portrayal of said situation. ( )