Sharon Lamb

The author is a psychologist and expert witness who evaluates parents and their children in cases where the courts and the child welfare system are trying to decide the best placement for a child. Much of the book describes her interactions with the children and parents and the tools she uses in making these life-changing decisions.

As though looking into a mirror while assessing these situations, she also evaluates her own role as a mother to two boys, one who falls victim to drug abuse, and she is forced to ask if she, herself, is a good enough mother.

Deeply insightful and thought-provoking!… (mais)

A beautifully written, challenging memoir by a therapist who evaluates children and families for Vermont’s DCF to see where the children should stay or be placed. One of Lamb’s own sons struggles with a heroin addiction (which she denied for a while), influencing her musings on what it means to be a good enough mother and on when we should look at outcomes or behaviors, or some combination. I found it quite striking that she recounted an anecdote from Amy Chua’s well-known account of her “Tiger Mother” upbringing of her two children—Chua recalled ripping up a handmade Mother’s Day card because the art was too sloppy. If Lamb had been evaluating Chua, that could have cost her custody. But of course Yale Law professors don’t get the state evaluating their parenting in that way, and maybe it matters that they had stable employment and no obviously out-of-control addictions; maybe it matters that her daughters grew up to get good educations (hell, one of them is about to clerk for Kavanaugh). It was heartbreaking to read about “mothers who canot stand for their children to want them, to need them. In attachment terms, it brings to mind for them, to the unconscious mind, their own unreliable mothers.”

Lamb was surprisingly-to-me empathetic to men who were physically violent; at some points I felt she lumped yelling at, demeaning, and hitting children together. (She even says she doesn’t trust herself to gauge what’s an okay amount of male aggression—but what do we do with that?) I do think it’s a relevant question to ask whether a man who hits his partner can ever be trusted: is there really no coming back? Doesn’t it matter that his kids may well love him deeply and be harmed by being taken away from him, even if they also risk harm in staying?

The book got me to reflect on the vagaries of both fate and the state's attention. Life is unpredictable and so what happens may happen even if we do everything as well as we can (and nobody can, and there is no such thing as perfect mothering), and this extends to addiction as well. When Lamb notices that it’s almost impossible to distinguish between sham and real addiction treatment centers, if there’s even a distinction, it echoes her observations about the differences between good enough and not good enough mothers.… (mais)

Part of my job is to review the reports prepared by social workers as they make decisions regarding the placement of children who have been removed from the custody of their parents. In doing so, I have always given great weight to the opinions of therapists and psychologists who evaluate the children, their biological parents, and their foster parents. Never before have I had the opportunity to consider what goes into those evaluations, how their performance affects the evaluators, and how the evaluators' lives might influence their opinions. Sharon Lamb's open and honest writing about her professional life, and how it influenced and was influenced by her personal life, is a revelation. Lamb could be any one of us, struggling to balance work and home life, worrying about how one affects the other, and deciding what to do when reality pulls us from the assumption that we have it all together. Lamb's honesty and easy writing style will give hope to any parent or parental figure who fears they caused or exacerbated their child's problems, and who struggles with how to respond. **I received a free copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.**… (mais)