Stella Grey

This is a brutally honest and open account of the modern search for love.

This memoir of the author's years searching for second love through internet dating is based on a column the author wrote for a British newspaper, sort of like a "Sex and the City" for the internet age, which was based on an extensive dating diary she kept about her experiences. She talks about the various types of men, as well as some specific ones, that she meets. She discusses her own dating profile and those of men, wondering and agonizing about the truth behind her words and those of the men she reads about. She laments all sorts of distasteful truths about the online dating world today, such as men's desire for ever-younger, only-pretty women, their disturbing penchant for sending pictures of their private parts, the phenomenon of Skype-sex, men who are "serial daters," and those that are married and looking for flings. She discusses experiences of falling in love before, and being disappointed upon, meeting, as well as meeting, and falling in like, when the like is not reciprocated. There's also a lot of deep thinking about the larger issues at play in society: modern roles of men and women, the seemingly unchanging expectations men have of women, the frustrating persistence of outdated sexual and gender politics, the pressure to give into sex on the first date, etc.

The honesty is searing. Nothing is held back: her insecurities, her shortcomings, her needs and desires, hopes and dreams, all of which influence her behavior on these dating sites. Her anger and shame at the men who reject her based on her looks; the hopelessness of feeling she'll ever find The One; the propensity to fall head-over-heels with just a profile or even a picture; the discomfort with sex-talk from near-strangers.

A real anger comes through, at the unfair realities of life and relationships. The author has a feminist worldview and non-understanding or denial of male nature. She finds herself unpleasantly surprised that men want young, pretty and thin women, for example. Being out of the dating scene for many years, perhaps she believed modern nature or male-female relations had evolved past that. Men, however, will always want younger women. Men base attraction on looks, disadvantaging less-than-gorgeous females, while women base attraction on intellect and emotion. Men's ages don't matter to potential mates the way women's ages do. Men are not expected to beautify, exercise, primp, dress to kill, etc, the way women are. And the author does not like that one bit. One of the cruelties of the online dating world is that the men, for the most part, hold the power of choosing. In addition, third-wave feminism, with its insistence that women should be able to be as libertine and free with sex as men, has made men more, not less, predatory and expectant of sex. This is maddening, and makes the dating game much harder for women than it used to be.

I started out liking this book very much. The author's humor and tone make this experience fun to read about, and her brutal honesty and self-assessment make this a fascinating read. I found myself breathlessly living the first dates as she does, from the pre-date ritual of choosing (and unchoosing) just the right outfit, picking just the right jewelry, etc., through the actual dates themselves, nervously talking too much when she liked the guy, nearly falling asleep when she didn't, wondering if he was going to kiss her at the end, etc. But about halfway through it started getting a little depressing. The dates and experiences, as well as Grey's own behaviors and insecurities, seemed to follow certain patterns, and didn't diverge from them. Also, the potential heartache inherent in each new guy is conveyed well -- too well, perhaps -- and the reader finds herself again, with the author, wondering: is he going to reject me? Is he going to ignore me? Is his face going to fall again upon seeing her, as others did before?

Thank you to the author and publisher for a review copy.… (mais)